4/14/22
hrmm should I split the main page down into archives? scroll's gettin a little long. hmm
the good news is i am fiiinalllyyy setting up an appointment with a for real trauma therapist haha, i haven't had one since I was young but i really want to get my shit together now that things are ramping up here. I did briefly talk to someone with an actual PhD in the field who told me that the shit that happened with my parents' therapist was out of pocket and I should do what lets me be safe. So that's what I'm going to do! Hoooraaaay for being responsible!
okayokay enough dark shit. (er, not-fun dark shit. lol.) I am having A TOTAL BLAST OH MY FUCKIN GOD on this project. It was a bit of a challenge genre-fying the existing IP (it's my Deadcity Signature Move to adapt properties into [specific niche genre thing i keep mentioning] - like, my girlfriend and coworkers and agent were all like "wellllllll. good luck. you got your work cut of for you. lmao." BUT I THINK I TOTALLY NAILED IT! I sent it off to the editor last night so we'll see what she says. She dug the first drafts of the designs I showed her earlier so i think I'm on track! The BONUS of all this is devving the new designs made me SUPER FUCKING ATTACHED to the characters. Like, they're my kids now! (I never want actual kids so my story-kids, despite being adults half the time, are... my... kids... okay i'll stop) I also got a much clearer view on one of the protags I've been trying to nail down, so I'm REALLY HAPPY about that.
xoxo deadcity
4/12/22 mood: ???
oh my god what a wack fucking day. A land of contrasts indeed
I had some FUCKING INCREDIBLE work news which i'm sure i'll go into in a second BUT I also had a fucking awful phone call with my parents' therapist that sent ME spiralling back into therapy. Man ig they forgot to tell her all about the child abuse huh. so i got this lady on the phone telling me to talk to the woman who used to do [redacted terrible shit] to me, like... why would i want to talk to the woman who would throw trash at me and told me I was a golddigging slut at the ripe ol age of 14 and I'd "better marry rich". I don't have time to keep rehashing these beefs and I don't want to and I don't want to even untangle them. I have advised everyone involved to fuck off and leave me the fuck alone jesus christ. (I'm prob gonna go back to real-person therapy b/c this is fucking absurd, I shouldn't have to deal with this)
i am NOT gonna let my mom's bullshit get under my skin on this GREATEST OF DAYS. okay well maybe one more complaint. this is the psycho who mandated a "hug quota" after i was in high school where she would force me to hug her at least 3 times a day or she'd get angry and upset? have i mentioned i hate being touched and i will fucking punch you? (unless you are my girlfriend. then the no touch rule is not in play. haha)
anyway super psyched to start work on a NEW PROJECT TODAY AAAA!!!!!!! The new editor is so fuckin nice and I'm so excited and cautiously pumped about this one lol. don't wanna give too much away but it's a part of another line & half-my-IP-half-not (I know... I know?!?!??!?!). Next week me & my agent are talking about my next projects (yeah planning years and years in advance = part of the job) and I might even be stuck in on THIS one even more!! Dude yall i am SO FUCKING PUMPED about this book we're talking about next week. I put my entire heart and soul into it and even the editor on my current project brought it up on the phone like "hey i also saw deadcity's work on [THING] and that shit rules". !. !!!!!.
yknow re: dumb mom shit i just gotta accept that there's one crazy person in this world who thinks i'm a monster, but everyone else thinks i'm okay. i'm cool with that. everyone has an antagonist in their life ig. also. i am 99% certain the gods will abandon me if i throw myself into the fire pit forA THIRD FUCKING TIME
prob more later?? who knows???
xoxo deadcity
4/10/22
boooo i hate the weekend. ikik it's cause i'm self employed and have a workaholic obsession b/c i cant deal with free time cause it lets me think THOUGHTS. I'm working on separating the weekend from my weekdays though and this is a good start. Radika couldn't make it to the bar so we're going this week instead booo :'''''(
i did work through my last 3 weekends tryna get my manuscript for book #2 (formerly book #3.... sob.... sobsob) ready with the final samp art so it's a bit of a treat. (lmao TREAT. i need to treat my weekends with respect). But sometimes when yer working through a book you just want to live in that universe forever yanno? but eventually you have to hand in your pitch and have someone else read it and now you're me, wandering sadly through your own apartment lmfao
i do have a backlog of games ive gotta play though. outer worlds, rdr2, cyberpunk, my replay of FO:NV... all unfinished lmao. my gf started bioshock the other day but she's back to playing skyrim on the switch all day :)
my agent emailed me on sat (she was all "i'm totally not working on the weekend... shh" and i was all "....well i'm totally not checking my emails on the weekend shhhhhh") to say she's talking to the editor in charge of my exclusive sub on Monday YAY. apparently there's art notes (style notes = art notes???) so theyre gonna have a chat on it and see if we can come to a compromise i believe! i've had stuff canned in the ed meeting for my coloring specifically & not matching the style of the rest of the line which is FINE for a standalone but the exclusive is supposed to be part of this established line SO. i'm quite willing to tweak the art but i'm also.... a little worried.... we're hoping it'll be some easy fixes or something (i'm hoping they secretly want me to thin out the line weights + make other changes i'd ALREADY PLANNED ON but that's asking for TOO much luck ha). i guess my main worry is that they dont want me to fix the ART STYLE but the TONE. i'm happy to make it look more delicate/detailed/fit the [redacted industry niche] standard age-wise but uh. arh. erh. i have a bit of a beef with certain aspects of house style ie i use a lot of squash n stretch and while i'm happy to restrict that to facial expressions ig.... well... okay so the last time i got sent a redraw it was to fix up some character designs to be more "Realistic" without losing "that original [deadcity] style" and i toiled and tweaked aaaaand. they said no. But they were real nice about it, they said they appreciated the work and it was to their standard/what they wanted and all, but once they saw it it was like... it doesn't click. :( SO THERE. (seriously though they were so fuggin nice it's hard to be mad, plus they were the first people to ask me to pitch after i got signed, like, EVER, so they get a free pass of niceness).
i'm trying to deprogram my bad brains re: publishing paranoia. i know not every book deal makes it to shelves but i gotta operate like it will and can't lose hope ofc! plus doing ip stuff =/= solo stuff and i know the point of ip is to promote someone ELSE'S thing but it still bums me out when a book gets pulled yanno? WHICH IS WHY I'M GOING SO HARD ON SOLO BOOKS THIS YEAR ERHJGSJEHGFKJ. flexflex.
xoxo deadcity (prob will end up blogging more l8r i am a caffiend today)
4/9/22
havin a chill day watching reruns of my fave show <*3 everyone's going on about the Gay Pirate Show and i know i gotta watch it as a WWDITS fan haha
had to physically restrain myself from buying a second nib doll so give me some props ha
picked up some books for research, cleaned up some unrelated internet stuffs, picked up some of my bedroom, the kitchen's a mess as always but i'll get to it. ha. idk i'm not feeling too sharp today but perhaps it's good to chill
4/8/22 mood: blehh
i told myself id write in this thing every day so i am. here i am
I really DO feel better today. shit comes, shit goes, sometimes you write a PB and then it gets shitcanned, whatever.
no new news yet but my agent is asking after the status of one of my Special Book Children (aka exclusive subs). it's proooob a good thing that it's still in play but i'm idk bracing for bad news. i know it doesn't affect shit but i feel like i gotta keep a Positive Attitude even after ive submitted my work b/c what if. my weird psychic attitude expecting defeat affects the work i already turned in?!?!
at least it's rebecca black's sacred day today (Friday). this weekend im going out to the bar with (okay first fake names of the blog run! drumroll please! maybe i'll actually remember the fake names i gave everyone!!) Radika + my girlfriend Jade which is gonna be fuuunnnnn. i haven't been out much cause of the roni (i don't have it, i'm just a paranoid idiot) so yay. I was supposed to hit up the diner with Kay & Ethan this week too but Kay got a respiratory thing :( NOT the roni. The bar we're going to actually has a cocktail named after my favorite stupid dubstep/EDM party jam group which just so happens to be my fave drink on the menu. It's ALSO the only bougie cocktail bar in town so it's not like I have a choice lol, but I DO like it (as good as or even better than some of the bars in my home city lol).
okay so something i rly want to do this year is start traveling again. i used to do a SHIT TON of conventions (like 2-6 every year, nearing the 6 end) and it was a major part of my income, but I haven't been anywhere since The Plague you know. Plus a lot of stuff was obv cancelled! my book (KNOCK ON WOOD. KNOCK ON SO MUCH WOOD FUCK) comes out early Sept and I am finallleeeeeyyeyyeyeyeyey going on tourrreeee agaiinnnnneeeeee. it's gonna be weird doing it with a big 5 book on my hands instead of [redacted indie scene cred] but oh my fucking god i cant wait to see everyone again oh my god. [specific industry niche] is like my main form of social interaction and i haven't been out! in! so! long!! cons are back!! aaaa!!!
i'm supposeed to be taking it easy and doing some samps for a thing but i'm mostly.... supposed... to be... resting.... i just wrapped so much shit... and i am supposed to be recoverig my dumb brain juice but honestly if i'm not workingggg i feel unproductiiiiivvvvveee
my finances as always are suitably tight (bleh. sadface.) but i'm doing totally ok for once, i even bought myself a new present! i'm a doll collector (please don't laugh) and I got a holy grail gal for my collection the other day at an. amaaaazing. price. she's so fucking special to me and a character from one of my fave shows so i'm just super excited to display/play with her :3
xoxo deadcity
4/7/22 mood: ay lmao
ha ha ha one of my books got shitcanned. at least it wasn't my debut thank fucking christ. i feel fucking awful esp for the poor illustrator who worked her ass off for like 6 months on this thing and it was HER debut :( it was an IP thing that got mismanaged/mangled/???!?!? where it turned out the work that got OK'd.... actually wasn't OK at all... and they cut half the books from the line... so.... welp
ngl though i AM bummed. it was one of my fave IPs and a career highlight and i am rl rl sad. On the OTHER hand did you fuckos see those bookscan numbers?!?!?!?! without giving away my jerb i am SO FUCKING EXCITED jfc talk about being in the right place at the right time. i am really into horror (duh. mean girls voice: im a mouse. duh.) and it just seems like the environment is so RIFE for that shit
i feel a bit silly complaining about this b/c it's just life. it sux but whatever. on that same day one of my college buddiez announced a writing gig for the big 2 and I'm so proud of him :> i'm genuinely happy but also, hey, publishing, one day your book gets cancelled and it's the same day your pal gets his dream gig. tomorrow everything's gonna be different again. but i will shepherd this fucking debut to its finish line even if i almost die. fun fact: several people have gotten severely injured while working on this book (not the shitcanned one), unrelated to book issues, so maybe publishing is just brutal in (insert joke way here).
man ig i'm taking this remarkably well but honestly it's cause it wasnt announced yet and i was just the writer on it. as someone who puts on both jackets i can v easily tell you 99% (okay, like, 85%) of the work is done by the illustrator in pb's and like. 99% in GNs. I really fucking hope she got paid. at least neither her nor i woulda made royalties on it (i think, on her part, anyway) so getting shitcanned isn't the WORST..... but it DO SUCK. (The worst part is no one gets to read our book lmao)
bleh
dedcity
4/6/22 mood:whatev
(changed my name cuz i noticed someone else here has the same user!)
ykno i do feel better now that all this stuff is on the internet. i am always worried my complaints about the legit bad stuff in my life will drive my friends away so i never talk about it so im here. smiley face.
things r going a lot better over here. my agent is reading my next 2 (two. two?!?!?!?) books right now and i have my first book evarrr coming out this year. it's an ip thing so i'm really lucky we're getting banger sales numbers on presale and my dreams are fucking coming true. Can you believe this shit???? I spent my entire life working my ass off and getting rly rly lucky and here i am. i dropped outta college for chrissakes. due to my crazy. but here i am!! makin' it!! for once in my life i feel like im not "faking it til i make it" any more. i'm legit here. i have The Chops. it's p great.
I super rarely allow myself to be proud of shit cuase i have like Hank Hill syndrome, where he refuses to show happiness/pride b/c he thinks bad things will happen? In the episode I'm thinking of, he scores a touchdown in high school, does a celebratory dance for the first ever time, and snaps his ankle.... and NEVER CELEBRATES AGAIN. Because he thinks his dance is what did him in. That's me. That's me right now celebrating my bestselling book quietly and anonymously on the internet because i don't want anyone to fucking shout at me or make me feel bad. (astute readers will realize this probably comes from my shithead mom and normal people will react with either neutral annoyance, genuine interest, or joy if they're hearing about this for the first time.)
like yknow what makes this worse? Good things are great, but this is my fucking life, it just sucks that the most important thing in my life makes my mom hate me. she never wanted me to do this. she wanted me to get a "normal job" and "marry rich" (i swear to god) and thinks being a [SPECIFIC GENRE/TYPE OF AUTHOR HERE] is a shameful thing. like she literally wanted me to be a lawyer or a finance guy and "bestselling [SPECIFIC THING] author" is a giant black mark on her person or something. She gets upset at publishers' pay ranges cause no human author could ever make Elon Musk money and it's somehow my fault?! I do not even give a shit about money as long as I'm making minimum wage. I just wanna make my fucking books goddam
i have some extra time this week after wrapping shit up early and it's just. so good to be able to post my dumb shit and not have people get on my case about posting too much or being negative or my mom (again, i am a grown adult with his own apartment and a live-in partner who pays bills and taxes and shit) getting on my case about. god knows what. did you know that one time, i did an interview where they asked me what kind of music i listen to, and my mom FUCKING CALLED ME AND YELLED AT ME BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT (genre changed to protect the innocent) DUBSTEP MEANT and ACTUALLY BEGAN SHOUTING AT ME for daring to say something she didn't understand in a public interview designed to promote a book she has nothing to fucking do with. Who the fuck. Whomst. What. She doesn't even like my job, she hates it, she wishes i would do something else, AND YET she tries to inject herself into everything I do. Before you go "aw your mom just cares", keep in mind that she also, all the time, tells me she wishes she wasn't my mom and that "parenting ends at 18" and that I'm a failure and she doesn't want to be my mom any more, at least once a year, and I'm always trying to get away from her and not talk to her but she keeps emailing and phoning. My support group gently suggested a (I forget the name but the thing that's less than a restraining order but a don't talk to be or call me order), but I fucking hate cops, so I'm just. I've blocked her on everything and my dad's taking her to therapy so that's all i can do. thank god she refuses to live in my part of the country cause it's "too cold"
happy wednesday. the gothest day, objectively.
deadcity
4/5/22 mood: ffs
dug around for a really long time til i found a blog host i liked!! did you know deadjournal is broken? and i hate the centralized internet?? my biggest fear is having people figure out who i am and have amazon (which i refuse to use) remember my purchases and advertise to me my specific brand of toothpaste or some shit. bleh
i also have alot of hangups that would be super shitty or at least i think it's super shitty to pour them all out at people i know irl or like. the general internet. i know im a lucky motherfcucker with his dream job or whatever (not or whatever. i am so happy to be actually doing the shit i like). but it seems like. looking a gift horse in the mouth if i complain. anyway this is my place to complain or talk anonymusly or whatever about the realest shit in my life. nobody's real name is gonna be used so i'm gonna have to come up with crazy high fantasy names for everyone or something.
anyway a little about me so this blog makes some amount of contextual sense: i work (as vageuly as possible) in publishing and my mom is a horrible abusive human who reacts in negative ways to normal/good/any job news or information about my career, so ive been deadly afraid of talking to or telling anyone about anything because i thin theyll react like she does. it's a fucking spanish inquisiton. anyway on the advice of many actual support groups and professionals i no longer talk to that awful bitch and im trying to pull my life together.
i really insulted an editor i like by accident by assuming she would never want to pre-empt me for future books because, in my head, it was a "miracle" she ever picked one up in the first place but that's just my mom talking!! Turns out the editor thought **I** was the one who *didn't want to work with her*, instead of me having such bullshit imposter syndrome that i just told msyelf "oh she'll never want to work with you again, you're insane and harbor delusions of grandeur". i will never forget the day i told my mom about my first ever book deal and, before i could even finish my fucking sentence, she screamed "THATS A PIPE DREAM". my mans ive signed the contract. they paid me money. this shit is happening already what the fuck are you talking about
and yes yes i know my mom might actually be clinically mentally delusional, my parents got into therapy this year and the therapist told my dad she's having a harder than normal time, like, accepting reality. (not just with my job either lmao. like actual reality). she may have actual honest to god narcissistic personality disorder or bpd or something. which is fine. i have ptsd and all and it's all good, you just have to get help for it. (Although every time I mention I have ptsd my mom responds with "I have PTSD too!!! Don't you think we all have PTSD???" which is fucking ridiculous. what the hell man. i was in a car crash?????)
anyway hahaha yeah i can't tell anyone this because they'll instituionalize me or some shit and i don't wanna bog down my lovely gf or friends with my shitty mom news and i cant vent on public because i need to use fucking social media in a profesh capacity and no i do not have private. what am i. a master of time
whew anyway thank you for listening anonymous internet and i will probably see you later. laterz
oh yeah and in b4 "oh ho hho you wprk in publishing y your blog so fulla typos" well A) i have to be a gramamtically perfect human all fuckin day so eat it and B) wanna hear a fucked up story? when i was a kid my mom would look over my shoulder at my notes/lists/random texts/chatting on WoW or whatever and reprimand me if i didnt use "proper english". like id be texting or writing in my journal or something "that aint right" and she'd say "aint is not a word" and make me literally replace what i was writing with "That isn't right." which totally buthcers my original meaning/tone and makes writing a fucking slog and an awful trek and fuk you, man. omg. omfggggggggggg who cares if i type like an 8 year old in my fucking journal. why did she even read them?????
ok i should DEF log off now this has been the worlds longest smoke break haha. love you see you
deadcity
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